My relationship is triggering my binge eating disorder

Q. So, I started dating this guy. He is 6’2 185 lbs and is extremely active. Me, I’m 5’3 160 pounds, and full time nursing student. I’ve struggled with bingeing, body image issues my whole life. It wasn’t until recently that I really got a better hold of my relationship with food, self-control, and self-esteem, which I was proud of…until I met this man.

Let me preface by saying he is an angel and does make me feel beautiful. The thing is, he eats like a human dump truck because of his extremely active lifestyle. He’s a huge snacker, he loves cooking heavy meals and packs down around 4-5k calories a day. The man knows no portion control because he really doesn’t need to (and good for him). Naturally, we spend a ton of time together…so guess who’s picking up the same habits.

I know it sounds like I’m lacking any sort of willpower, but this man has inadvertently triggered my horrible eating habits and tendency to binge. If the food is there, I’m gonna eat it without any control or limits. Yeah, it’s psychological in that you naturally want to eat what your partner eats; sharing meals, being lazy lovers, etc. But it is so hard. I can’t expect him to change his eating habits for me, or to literally extract the food from my hand or shame me. But it’s seriously making me resentful of him, which isn’t fair. I’ve already put on about 5 pounds, but more importantly my self esteem has plummeted and I know it’s to do with my bingeing coming back. I guess I’m not unsure of what to do or where to go from here?

A. When a relationship is triggering stress eating, it’s often helpful to understand the underlying subconscious roles at play. Many times, these dynamics are part of a pattern that our subconscious mind is stuck in, which leads to emotional responses such as stress eating. By using concepts like the Drama Triangle and Transactional Analysis, you can uncover the roles that you are subconsciously enacting and understand how they lead to self-soothing behaviors, like stress eating.

Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer

The Drama Triangle is a psychological model that helps us understand the dysfunctional roles people often take without knowing (aka subconsciously) on in conflict or stressful situations. The three roles are:

1. Victim: The person who feels powerless and overwhelmed. They see themselves as being unfairly treated or unable to change their situation.

2. Persecutor: The person who blames, criticizes, or attacks, creating feelings of stress or guilt in others. This role can be played by another person or internally by oneself.

3. Rescuer: The person who tries to “save” others, often to feel valuable, while ignoring their own needs.

In relationships, you might be unconsciously stepping into one of these roles, and this can trigger emotional distress that leads to stress eating.

Victim role: If you are in this role, they feel powerless in the relationship. You might feel like their partner is not treating them fairly or that they can’t express their needs. Or you might feel your partner is causing you to binge eat. This sense of helplessness activates the amygdala, creating feelings of stress, anxiety, and low self-worth, which often leads to the need for comfort—sometimes through food. Food becomes a way to escape the feeling of powerlessness, giving them a small sense of relief or control.

Persecutor Role: Sometimes, prosecutors internalize this role. This might mean they’re harsh on themselves, constantly criticizing their own actions or blaming themselves for problems in the relationship. This self-criticism fuels emotional stress, leading to a desire for soothing through eating. The mind feels overwhelmed with guilt or shame, and food becomes a quick fix to ease these painful emotions temporarily.

Rescuer Role : In thisi role, you may be overly focused on trying to “fix” or “help” their partner, putting their own needs on the back burner. This constant caretaking can lead to stress and exhaustion. Food then becomes a way to nurture themselves when they feel depleted and unacknowledged, trying to replace the sense of nurturance that is lacking in the relationship.

What’s more powerful in this drama triangle is the fact that when one person is subconsciously embodying the victim role, they always “need” a persecutor figure to enable and activate their sense of victimhood. And what’s even more mind-blowing? This can actually “creates” the persecutor/prosecutor (!) by the law of manifestation and mirroring. This is often observed in women who cannot find good men; as long as they internalize the victim within their subconscious, they require an accuser to punish them into victimhood.

Thankfully, it is possible to change quickly by rewriting your subconscious script. But before we dive into how, let’s explain further the subconscious role-playing game that’s going on in this situation here.

This provides a way to understand how we communicate and interact based on three ego states:

Parent, Adult, Child Ego States

1. Parent: Represents the learned behaviors, values, and attitudes. This can be nurturing or critical.

2. Child: Represents the emotional, instinctive side, which can be playful or reactive.

3. Adult: Represents the logical, rational self, dealing with reality and facts.

When a relationship triggers stress eating, it often means that your child ego state has been activated. In the most simple words, despite the situation, age and circumstances changed, your subconscious preserved how you react towards the world. Our subconscious remembers all the emotional memories and coping mechanisms learned in childhood, and it can respond strongly to feeling unloved, unappreciated, or triggered.

In response to relational stress, the Child might seek comfort, similar to how they learned to self-soothe in childhood (e.g., being given treats to feel better or using food as a reward). If the partner’s behavior makes you feel triggered, criticized or ignored, the child state reacts with emotions like sadness or frustration, or even thread, which can lead to stress eating as a coping mechanism.

Critical Parent and Inner Persecutor: The critical parent ego state can play a role internally, where you might criticize yourself for the issues in the relationship—thinking thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” or “I must be doing something wrong.” This inner voice mimics a harsh, punitive figure from their past, leading to feelings of inadequacy. These critical voices trigger the amygdala, leading to emotional overwhelm, which often results in reaching for food to numb these emotions.

Adult State for Empowerment: The adult ego state, which is rational and non-emotional, is the state you want to strengthen to step out of these roles. The adult can observe the situation objectively—recognizing the patterns and understanding the emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them. By helping you activate this adult state during hypnotherapy, you empower them to make conscious decisions rather than falling into automatic responses like stress eating.

Subconscious Patterns at Play

These roles and ego states often play out at a subconscious level, meaning that you may not even be aware of why you’re reacting or turning to food for comfort. In hypnotherapy, the goal is to bring these dynamics to light, helping you become more conscious of:

Which role they are taking in the Drama Triangle: By helping you recognize whether you are acting as the victim, persecutor, or rescuer, they can begin to understand why you feel the need to self-soothe with food. For example, as a victim, they may feel powerless, and eating becomes a way to exert some small level of control or to provide themselves comfort in an environment that feels otherwise unmanageable.

The subconscious beliefs driving your states: Understanding which ego state is at play can help your see whether your child is seeking comfort or if your Critical Parent is perpetuating self-blame. Hypnotherapy can quickly shift these patterns by promoting more nurturing internal dialogue and reducing the power of self-critical beliefs.

How to transform the Subconscious Roles

In hypnotherapy, you can access your subconscious mind to identify these roles and patterns and by doing so, you can quickly change your dynamics.

You can:

Disengage from the Drama Triangle: Recognize which role you tend to play and visualize stepping out of that role. In a deeply relaxed state, you can visualize yourself transforming your relationship dynamics—moving from victim to empowered, from rescuer to self-care focused, or from persecutor to compassionate. This shift is a powerful reframe that your subconscious can integrate deeply.

Activate the Adult Ego State: Strengthen your Adult state through suggestions, promoting rational thinking and conscious decision-making. This can help you feel more in control, reducing the need for comfort eating. You might remind yourself, “I have the power to pause, take a deep breath, and decide how I wish to respond to stress—using my wisdom, not my old emotional patterns.”

Reparent the Inner Child: In a hypnotic state, connect with your Inner Child and offer it what it really needs—love, validation, and safety. By nurturing this part of yourself, you can reduce the emotional need that drives stress eating. Visualize comforting the child within, using affirmations like, “I am safe, I am loved, and I deserve care in healthy ways.”

Transform Internal Dialogue: By transforming the Critical Parent within you into a Nurturing Parent, you can learn to speak to yourself with kindness, reducing self-blame and the subsequent stress eating. Visualize replacing harsh inner criticism with comforting, reassuring words like, “I am doing my best, and that is enough.”

Through these approaches, the goal is to help you break free from subconscious roles and patterns, empowering you to respond to relational stress from a place of awareness and choice rather than automatic, emotionally driven behaviors. This shift helps you regain control over your eating habits, fostering a healthier relationship not only with food but also within your personal relationships and with yourself.

“It takes two to tango,” they say, but when it comes to relationships, it often takes only one person to shift the entire dynamic. When you change, your thoughts, behaviors, and reactions evolve, and the ripple effect of that change naturally impacts the relationship as a whole. Let’s dive into why and how this transformation happens:

Breaking Subconscious Patterns

Every relationship has its own set of subconscious dynamics, often playing out repeatedly in predictable ways—like a dance. If you are always in the victim role (feeling helpless or resentful) and the other person takes on the rescuer role (trying to fix things), this dynamic creates a stable but often unhealthy cycle. However, if you decide to step out of this subconscious role, the dance changes.

When you shift from victim to empowered, you begin to assert your needs calmly and take responsibility for your own well-being. This disrupts the usual patterns that kept you dependent or seeking rescue. The partner can no longer comfortably occupy the rescuer role because you are no longer seeking that type of intervention. This forces a shift, prompting both of you to interact from a new, more balanced space.

Changing the Emotional Climate

Relationships thrive or suffer based on the emotional climate that exists between people. If you consistently react with anger or defensiveness, it often triggers a similar reaction in your partner, leading to escalating conflicts. However, if you make a conscious decision to change your emotional response—perhaps by approaching situations with curiosity instead of defensiveness, or calmness instead of fear or anxiety —the dynamic inevitably shifts.

The amygdala’s overreaction is soothed when you no longer respond in a reactive manner. For example, in moments that previously escalated, taking a deep breath, pausing, and choosing to respond thoughtfully can lead the other person to naturally soften their reaction. This new emotional energy fosters a different, often more positive, interaction.

Setting New Boundaries and Expectations

When you change your behavior, you naturally set new boundaries and expectations within the relationship. If you previously used emotional eating as a coping mechanism after a conflict and now shift to self-soothing strategies like deep breathing, mindfulness, or taking a walk, this action sends a strong signal. It communicates that you are taking responsibility for your emotional health and no longer using food as an escape or using the relationship as a reason for your distress.

These new boundaries alter what is expected from the relationship. Rather than relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms or expecting the partner to change to alleviate the mirror eating, you demonstrate your own autonomy in managing emotions. This change can inspire the other person to reflect on their own behaviors and possibly make adjustments to improve the relationship dynamic.

Activating a Positive Feedback Loop

When you shift from blame to ownership, it sets in motion a positive feedback loop. For example, if instead of blaming the other person for stress (which triggers an amygdala-based stress response), you practice self-compassion, take ownership, and calmly express your emotions, this shift often evokes a similarly non-defensive response from your partner.

These small but powerful adjustments help break the negative cycle and replace it with more caring and loving interactions. When you step out of a drama triangle role—whether it’s victim, persecutor, or rescuer—the other person often feels the space to change their own response, leading to healthier communication and greater connection.

Modeling New Behaviors

Change is contagious, especially when it’s positive. In a relationship, if you model healthier behaviors, it becomes easier for the other person to mirror that change. This is because humans naturally co-regulate each other—our nervous systems are influenced by the people around us. If you practice mindfulness, take time to self-regulate, or approach stress with more grace, you become a model of what is possible. The other person, seeing the effects of this calmness and self-awareness, may feel encouraged to do the same.

For instance, instead of engaging in reactive, emotionally charged arguments, you might model healthy conflict resolution by calmly stating your feelings and needs, listening actively, and responding from a place of empathy. Over time, your partner begins to feel the benefit of this approach—more connection, less stress—and naturally adopts similar behaviors. When your behavior changes consistently, it invites and, almost inevitably, encourages change in the other person.

Moving Out of the Drama Triangle

When you decide to step out of these roles, the entire relationship can transform.

For example:

• From Victim to Creator: Instead of seeing yourself as powerless, you take on the role of the creator—actively creating solutions, communicating clearly, and taking ownership of your emotional health. This means taking action rather than passively enduring a situation.
• From Persecutor to Challenger: Instead of blaming or being critical, you become a challenger—someone who encourages positive change in a supportive way, without judgment.
• From Rescuer to Coach: Instead of rescuing, you step into the role of a coach—offering support but allowing the other person to take responsibility for their actions.

By stepping out of these roles, the usual triggers lose their potency. Your partner, having no one to “rescue” or no one attacking them, may also begin to shift, finding healthier ways to respond. This disrupts the automatic emotional eating behavior that may have been used as a coping mechanism when feeling powerless or overwhelmed.

Hypnotherapy to Facilitate Change

Hypnotherapy can be instrumental in helping you make this shift. In hypnosis, you can deeply explore these roles and patterns, allowing your subconscious mind to recognize how staying in these roles contributes to your stress and emotional eating. Through visualizations and suggestions, you can practice stepping into new, healthier roles—seeing yourself as empowered, in control, and capable of responding differently.

Suggestions like, “You have the ability to step out of old patterns, to see yourself in a new light, and to respond to challenges with strength and clarity,” can quickly influence the subconscious to break free from unhelpful roles. Visualize interactions where you no longer react in the same way, but instead engage with love, clarity, and calmness.

This process not only shifts your experience within yourself but also changes the dynamic of your relationships—effectively creating a new dance, where stress eating and emotional reactivity are replaced by mindful responses, compassionate self-care, and deeper, more meaningful connections. When you change, the other person feels the difference, and the entire relationship is transformed—showing that indeed, it may only take one to change the entire dance.

Today, I explained how you can be in control of your eating habits and emotions, even in the context of challenging relationships—moving far beyond mere willpower and short-term solutions. Real, lasting change happens when you understand and transform the subconscious patterns driving your behaviors, empowering you to respond differently and live more freely. So, you don’t need to change him, but instead by breaking the old subconscious pattern, the problem quickly starts to disappear.

If you’re ready to make that shift—to break free from old cycles, reclaim your emotional balance, and feel truly empowered in your eating habits and relationships—click here to take the next step.